Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
