Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
