Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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