nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
