is your mom at the bar?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
