Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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