When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
