i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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