If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
