so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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