I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just want nice things and good sex
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
