so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
