Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
