After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
