I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
