i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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