mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
