Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Randomize
