Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
