she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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