Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Drunk is not a location!
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
