Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
