you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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