I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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