I'm so fucking centered right now
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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