I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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