A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
