I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
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