I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
