Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
