glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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