Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Your cock deserves a montage
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
