I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My vagina is officially offended.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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