she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
