she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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