When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
