How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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