saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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