There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
