I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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