So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
