Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
