i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
