are you still at the devil's house?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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