Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
