This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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