i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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