He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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