Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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