I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
