i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
They took my balls.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
