she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
