he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
