i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
