its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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