forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
